*Photo credit: The Writer's Circle
I feel each of these emotions every day. Some more than others depending on what's happening. Some flash by me quickly, mostly because it's too painful to fully experience them or because I'm in public/in front of my kids and I need to mask my emotions.
Some linger on for a few hours, or they pass quickly and come back later when I least expect it.
Sometimes when they appear and I have the luxury of being alone with my thoughts I can fully explore how it feels.
I grieve for Will, for our family, for the failed attempts at having additional children, for the families effected by disease... for so so many things.
Most days, I just hope that I make it through the entire cycle quickly and that the really horrible emotions don't stick around.
This camp Will has been attending has forced me into the "main stream" world - this cycle of grief is illuminated just in the simple interactions of a day.
None of the other kids have a hired aide to push their medical stroller and help them navigate stairs. I feel the emotional outburst I would like to have when see the side eye stares of the other (fabulous) moms dropping off their kids, I feel the anger and and guilt when his aide tells me that his hand was shaking from just holding a pencil while trying to color in art. I feel the shock and numbness associated with this diagnosis when I talk to the camp director about his abilities.
I also praise the new relationships - when the music teacher allows Will to pop in his class at anytime he's feeling overwhelmed or can't physically participate in the activities or when someone asks to pray for Will. I see the hope when Will confidently "jumps" on stage TWICE to participate in the daily morning talent show. I see that he is helping others when he makes his new friends laugh.
Grief is a funny, never ending circle. You can't escape it. It will always find you and color your happiest moments. But, I have the power and courage to experience it and find a way to be okay. After all, I have so so so many things to be eternally grateful for and happy about.