Monday, December 10, 2012


I guess it's that time of year. I've realized I've been hibernating - only doing the bare minimum of things required to keep Will happy.

We started the SubQ IVG in November, the weekend before Thanksgiving we found out that our second attempt at getting pregnant did not work. Then all the Thanksgiving festivities happened. Neil and I decided to go on an impromptu ski trip, so we went. It wasn't what we had hoped, but it was still time off. We got back this past week and I've enjoyed every minute of being home with Will.

I guess the past month has just been a heavy month.

The SubQ IVG stuff is a huge win for Will, but it's very stressful to get all the equipment, tubes, pump and meds ready, then jab a needle into Will and then watch him sit there for two hours while the IVG slowly drips into his body, forming a large lump of liquid under his skin. This is a weekly, ongoing procedure. This last time was especially unpleasant as it was the first time he complained during the process.

We try to make it a party - order pizza, have a family member or adult friend come over, have a picnic in the living room, watch a special movie. But that only gets you so far. My brave little boy.

I haven't felt thankful, everyone kept talking all month about how thankful they are... I know I am thankful for so much. I'm just so frustrated with this pregnancy thing. We are using an egg donor since it's my eggs that carry the Leigh's mutation. We're out of eggs from donor #1 and our doctor recommended starting with a new donor, a proven donor. So it feels like we are exactly back to square one, exactly where we were a year ago. It's hard to believe I've been jabbing needles, patches and pills in my body for a year and I don't have anything to show for it (the bruises are gone now) :-)

Our vacation was good, albeit some heavy conversations and bad weather all but one day. I think we were both just relieved to be home and with Will.


I know I need to do more for and with Will right now. We are in a peak time right now. We made a choice not to take Will out to a lot of places this winter eg. birthday parties, malls, large crowds.... Just want to give our bud a chance at health this winter season, but still do some fun stuff. It's maybe one of the hardest balances to strike.

I actually got my act together and started making Christmas gift lists and budget. Ordered a bunch of stuff online, still have quite a ways to go, but at least it's finally started.

At least I have recognized I'm in a hibernating funk and that it would be a good thing to snap out of it. That will likely have to just happen this week, as I know life is more fun on the other side.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays - whatever you celebrate, or don't, enjoy this time of year. I love seeing the magic of all of it through Will's eyes. I don't know if I'll ever forget the day we went to Target and we were rounding the corner into the Christmas section. Will's eyes filled with amazement to see all the lights, trees, ornaments etc. He was chatting non-stop about it. We walked up and down all the aisles. He kept asking who did all this, I said the people that work here. He told me (very authoritatively), No mommy, it was the elves from the north pole. Seeing the Christmas magic through his eyes, his pure little heart, is really awesome.


  1. I am frustrated for you also :( I hate that SubIVQ is your regular "party." And I can't believe Will just now complained about it. He handles all this like a boss. The egg donor stuff sucks so much. Don't know what to say except I really hope 2013 brings huge positive changes. I know the unknown is driving you nuts, but you could have a baby by this time next year. It is entirely possible. And I for one, will be wishing for it fervently. I read a blog by another mom who wrote about wanting a baby so desperately and "what a different a year makes." Her beautiful words: "I want you to know that if you are in someplace that feels like the darkest, scariest, most hopeless place you could be, it is very possible that a year from now your life will have changed immeasurably.

    A year is long enough to soften even the sharpest pain and make it bearable. It's long enough to give you to the confidence that your most important relationships can survive a tragedy. It's long enough to make it clear which friendships are worth hanging on to and which aren't. A year is long enough to make new friends that you'll have for a lifetime. It's long enough to adjust your expectations of certain family members, and to be pleasantly surprised by others.

    It's long enough to have a positive pregnancy test, survive a stressful pregnancy, and bring home a healthy baby.

    A year gave me enough time to really figure out that what I read somewhere is true--happiness and sadness are not two sides of the same coin. You don't experience only one or the other. You find a way to reside with them both."

    Wishing you a gentle Christmas with that special guy you have there. If we could all see things through his eyes. Wow.

    Big hugs, mama.

  2. Yur strength and love for your family will get you through sweetie, it already has. Your writing is incredible on this blog, fills my heart with joy and sorrow at the same time. Take care of yourself and enjoy every second...Merry, merry -Kate

  3. Aww, I hope you and Will will come out of hibernation this weekend to come to the mito Christmas party! We'd love to bring you some Christmas cheer!

  4. Lori, this time of year proves to be very difficult for a lot of people -- those that are grieving, those that are confused, lonely, and even those that seemingly "have it all together". I will never understand the gamut of emotions you are living with, but I think the holiday season could heighten some of those. Just be aware - as you clearly are - and don't be too hard on yourself. You are an amazing person!

    We'll keep special holiday prayers for the Martin family this season.

  5. I'm so sorry Lori! I'm sorry about the failed pregnancy attempt and I'm sorry you have to watch Will go through those treatments! I think the only thing that brings relief when there is pain in someone's life is knowing that the hurting is only temporary. John 16:22, So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. (Jesus’ words)

    The storm on earth is different for everyone but we take comfort in knowing that our time here is short and eternity will be forever joyful. Give God your prayers and trust in him as I'm sure you're trying to do! Love you!