A hard day

Yesterday really sucked.

I took Will to gymnastics and stayed to watch. While he was doing his handstand (with help) one of the big boys started yelling that, “Will can’t do that, he doesn’t know how” blah blah. I couldn’t tell which boy it was because it’s a rowdy class and they say their ABCs while they do handstands. I wanted to drop kick all of them. Will didn’t notice and he ran down the mat with a HUGE smile on his face, just so proud of himself.

I was proud of him too. Just made me realize how mean kids can be without even realizing they are being mean. I don’t think anything was intentional, just one of those fierce protective mom moments where you want to do everything you can to help and protect your kids. (Parents, please know I will never really drop kick your child.)

I went back home to finish getting ready for work and got an email from our fertility clinic.

(Because my eggs are highly unlikely to produce non-mutated eggs for another pregnancy, we’ve decided to move forward with an egg donor. Neil contributes his end, the donor does the egg and I carry our baby!)

So, during the past few months we’ve had a very private rollercoaster ride of selecting a donor, not getting the one we thought we wanted, so on and so forth. We recently finalized all the contracts and are moving forward.  We were SO close to having the embryo transfer and me being pregnant. It was so close we could feel it. I had somewhat secretly looked through the maternity clothes that my sisters and I have stored at my parent’s house, talked about baby names etc.

On Tuesday, our egg donor had a checkup visit with our fertility doctor. They found three cysts on her ovaries. We were told we have to stop this cycle, stop all meds and see if the cysts will explode during her next period, then restart everything all over again. Without going into too much detail on the ins and outs of this IVF process, the nut of it is that we were so close and now it feels, yet again, so far away.

There is no guarantee for the next cycle that she will be cyst-free. So, we wait. We take fertility meds. We try again.  We’ve invested a lot of time and money into this donor so we’re going to stick with it and as Dr. Mark said, give science and technology a chance to work.

After I read that email I had a really loud, angry, tearful fight with God. I am just so tired of having to activate and find a way to be okay with a Plan B, C, D and so on. Some days I feel like I have reached Plan Z. I’m tired of being sad and hurt. We just want a stinking kid. It’s amazing what we used to take for granted in life.

So, here we are another day another plan. I feel much better today. We have an amazing support system with our family and friends. Last night Neil suggested that I do a blog to just get this out of my system and I reacted with a NO. This is just too much. After a goodnights sleep, a dose of Lexapro and a lot of good hugs I am in a much better place and felt like a blog post was what I needed. This blog started as a way to update our friends and family on Will and has turned into a scrap book of sorts.

This is our life. It’s still really painful today. It feels like the rug was just yanked yesterday on something that shouldn’t have been a problem. It wasn’t the donors fault. I heard she feels terrible about it and was crying at the dr. office (we have an anonymous agreement) It just goes back to the crazy, screwed up stuff our bodies do.

I’m sure there are 100 million reasons why this is the way it should work out. Timing is everything and we really don’t know Gods plan till it happens. I’m going to have a long chat with him one day as to why, WHY? WHY? It’s all going to work out and hindsight is usually 20/20.

My birthday is coming up this month, 32 years old. In case you’re wondering the top of my wish list is a crystal ball that will show me why and how and when – for so many different things.