Friday, June 8, 2012

A hard day

Yesterday really sucked.
I took Will to gymnastics and stayed to watch. While he was doing his handstand (with help) one of the big boys started yelling that, “Will can’t do that, he doesn’t know how” blah blah. I couldn’t tell which boy it was because it’s a rowdy class and they say their ABCs while they do handstands. I wanted to drop kick all of them. Will didn’t notice and he ran down the mat with a HUGE smile on his face, just so proud of himself.
I was proud of him too. Just made me realize how mean kids can be without even realizing they are being mean. I don’t think anything was intentional, just one of those fierce protective mom moments where you want to do everything you can to help and protect your kids. (Parents, please know I will never really drop kick your child.)
I went back home to finish getting ready for work and got an email from our fertility clinic.
(Because my eggs are highly unlikely to produce non-mutated eggs for another pregnancy, we’ve decided to move forward with an egg donor. Neil contributes his end, the donor does the egg and I carry our baby!)
So, during the past few months we’ve had a very private rollercoaster ride of selecting a donor, not getting the one we thought we wanted, so on and so forth. We recently finalized all the contracts and are moving forward.  We were SO close to having the embryo transfer and me being pregnant. It was so close we could feel it. I had somewhat secretly looked through the maternity clothes that my sisters and I have stored at my parent’s house, talked about baby names etc.
On Tuesday, our egg donor had a checkup visit with our fertility doctor. They found three cysts on her ovaries. We were told we have to stop this cycle, stop all meds and see if the cysts will explode during her next period, then restart everything all over again. Without going into too much detail on the ins and outs of this IVF process, the nut of it is that we were so close and now it feels, yet again, so far away.
There is no guarantee for the next cycle that she will be cyst-free. So, we wait. We take fertility meds. We try again.  We’ve invested a lot of time and money into this donor so we’re going to stick with it and as Dr. Mark said, give science and technology a chance to work.
After I read that email I had a really loud, angry, tearful fight with God. I am just so tired of having to activate and find a way to be okay with a Plan B, C, D and so on. Some days I feel like I have reached Plan Z. I’m tired of being sad and hurt. We just want a stinking kid. It’s amazing what we used to take for granted in life.
So, here we are another day another plan. I feel much better today. We have an amazing support system with our family and friends. Last night Neil suggested that I do a blog to just get this out of my system and I reacted with a NO. This is just too much. After a goodnights sleep, a dose of Lexapro and a lot of good hugs I am in a much better place and felt like a blog post was what I needed. This blog started as a way to update our friends and family on Will and has turned into a scrap book of sorts.
This is our life. It’s still really painful today. It feels like the rug was just yanked yesterday on something that shouldn’t have been a problem. It wasn’t the donors fault. I heard she feels terrible about it and was crying at the dr. office (we have an anonymous agreement) It just goes back to the crazy, screwed up stuff our bodies do.
I’m sure there are 100 million reasons why this is the way it should work out. Timing is everything and we really don’t know Gods plan till it happens. I’m going to have a long chat with him one day as to why, WHY? WHY? It’s all going to work out and hindsight is usually 20/20.
My birthday is coming up this month, 32 years old. In case you’re wondering the top of my wish list is a crystal ball that will show me why and how and when – for so many different things.

14 comments:

  1. I have no idea how hard this journey must be for you and Neil. I will pray for comfort and peace for you two.

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  2. Giving you a big hug, Lori... Although we can't foresee our future, I am confident you will handle it with grace, courage, and love. All my love and best wishes, --Ben J.

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  3. How incredibly frustrating for you guys and the donor! Big hugs and lots of prayers for you, Neil and Will. In the world of our three-year-olds, this made me think that I am hearing my big C tell little C that he is faster, that he "beat her," etc. I hear him say this about his friends from school too (even though he is clearly not faster than most of them - he takes after his dad - ha!). I wonder if it is the age (competitive) or if I need to nip it in the bud??

    Love, LTK

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  4. I don't know why some families seem to have the sh*t piled on, but there is some test of your will going on (no pun intended) and if I could just take one of those frustrating things away I would. Hugs many times over.

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  5. Hugs, Lori. That sounds disappointing. I googled about the IVF and cysts, because googling is what i do best, lol. Looks like this is fairly common and there's a good chance the cysts WILL be gone. the body normally just takes care of those suckers. So I will be making wishes that those cysts hit the road and you can get on with your regularly scheduled programming. Oh, and YAY on the plans for a sibling for Will. I am so so excited for you.
    XOXO
    B

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  6. Hugs, Lori. That sounds so frustrating. I did some googling (because googling is what I do best, lol) and it sounds like this cyst thing is rather common and generally clears up on its own. So I'm making wishes those cysts hit the road and you can get on with your regularly scheduled programming. I am so so excited for this plan to bring a new baby and I can't wait to hear your good news!
    XOXO
    B

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  7. Hang in there beautiful Mama warrior. God has a plan and just think how much faith he has in you and Neil for blessing you with Will. He doesn't just hand out special kids to anyone :)

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  8. Oh Lori, I am so sorry to hear about the donor...I sure hope that the cyst situation will work itself out. Maybe God just wants to give you a couple more months to get the drop kicking out of your system (which is hard to do while pregnant:)...and a chance to squeeze in a few more glasses of wine:) Considering what a super fantastic awesome mom you have turned out to be (which by the way makes me want to be a better mommy to my little monsters) I know that this will happen for you and you guys will be on your way to the crazy world of multiple children. Don't put too much weight in those kids at gymnastics...they just get into this phase of wanting to be the 'winner' some kids go about that in different ways than others, hopefully the gymnastics teacher will show them that every one does things differently and that's what makes us awesome! I am sending big hugs and positive thoughts your way daily!

    Sheila

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  9. Love to the Martin family and abundant prayers for God's grace.
    Trisha Edwards

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  10. Praying for better days ahead for you guys - both for sweet little Will and your IVF journey. I'm sure you took care of it, but I would make sure that the people in charge of the gymnastics class are aware of the incident and to be on the lookout. Will doesn't notice now, but someday, he might. If my child were teasing another child, I would want to know so that I could do something about it. I know that mama bear instinct was screaming at you to fix it. Hugs to you.

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  11. Lori,
    I'm so, so sorry. I pray that your burden will lighten soon. I'm glad you have Neil and Will to brighten your days.

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  12. Oh man! The days when the setbacks happen are tough to handle. My faith waivers but then a new day comes (or week depending on my state of mind) and I find a renewed spirit to continue on. Hang in there! Your spirit will find its way and hope is right behind.

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  13. Ugh!!! I won't type the curse word I just said when reading this, I just want this process to go so smoothly for you guys. Keep faith that the cysts will go away. I had ovarian cysts before both my pregnancies with Kate and John. They did always go away and I was able to get pregnant soon after. We never understand God's timing when it is happening but somewhere down the line (sometimes way later) it often makes sense. I know you must be so sick of hearing stuff like that but it's been my experience when questioning His plan so often.

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  14. Bumps in the road have not stopped you and Neil so far. Forge on and continue to have patience it will be worth it in the end.

    Oh and vent when ever you want. We are here to know about the exciting, fun, sad and frustrating moments. So bring it on anytime.
    Love, Monica C.

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